A letter to my five-year-younger self

 

Dear Leanne,

It’s the 21^st of June 2007. It’s the longest and brightest day of the year. Litha. The celebration of summer solstice. The celebration of me.

Litha is the name that I chose; or rather it’s chosen me, as my performance name for belly dancing. Unfortunately, I haven’t used it enough…

Here I am, sitting on my hospital bed. Sitting inside the room I’ve called my temporary home for way too long now.

How did this happen? Why did I become anorexic? Why couldn’t I let go of those thoughts of being worthless; my obsessive perfectionism? I have many regrets.

I believe it’s OK to feel ashamed and feel regret. These feelings teach me something has gone wrong and I can’t learn from my mistakes if I’m unaware.

I count my blessings, but this doesn’t make the pain any less.

I know I can be proud of myself too. Here I am, sitting on my hospital bed. Sitting inside the room I’ve called my temporary home for way too long, but it’s almost time to go home. My true home.

I’ve overcome my fears; I’ve fought through my pain; I took a leap of faith and it’s brought me strength to carry on. I can slowly but surely rebuild my life. I will mourn over my lost dancing-dream, but I know I will – like mum’s predicted – find happiness in my new Bachelors study.

I’ve learned my biggest life’s lesson to date and I’m thankful God has shown me my flaws and therefore shown me my strength. However on this date I’m still unaware of my future and God only knows there’s another lesson waiting to get taught.

If I could have given me any advice for the future; it would be to let my guard down more often. Show my emotions to those I love. Speak my mind without contemplating whether or not I may say the wrong thing. There’s no need to feel ashamed of who I am and how I feel or act. I’m just as worthy of being me as the next person! Five years from this day in June 2007 I can say: “I realize that now…”

Dad; you will die in two years from now and I don’t want you to leave me without having said how much you’ve been my rock. I wish I would have known then what I know now.

I know our relationship has been a little rocky, I know my anorexia killed you inside and I now realize I’ve been a Bitch to you on too many occasions. I couldn’t express my feelings and therefore got so frustrated with myself and the world, I had to rebel, but I was afraid to rebel at the same time. Therefore I mostly rebelled against you, Daddy, because I knew you’d love me no matter what and I thought you could handle it because you… you know… you’re MY strong Daddy and I thought I’d have decades more to spend with you!

I can only guess you didn’t know this. You didn’t know how much you’ve meant and still mean to me. I can’t believe I will sit behind another laptop five years from now, mourning your death. I will feel pain and be frightened again. Just like during my anorexia. Only this time it’s hurting even more. Tell me how should I cope?!

You didn’t see how you could live on, so you took your own life and I can’t even imagine how afraid you must have felt during your final moments on earth. I’m so sorry I didn’t know. I’m so extremely sorry I wasn’t there for you!

I’ve been afraid so many times in my life and I’ve felt like I was losing my sanity on many occasions during that year in the hospital.

Love can conquer all isn’t an expression without reason! You were loved Daddy! You ARE loved immensely by mum, me, family and friends. Even your colleagues and acquaintances cried on your funeral! We were, and still are, in complete shock. Dad; why did you leave us?

God why didn’t I show my love more often?

GOD WHY DIDN’T YOU HELP ME! WHY DIDN’T YOU WARN ME! I WOULD HAVE HELPED MY FATHER! YOU KNOW I WOULD HAVE!

YOU KNOW I WOULD HAVE…

Regret… I feel so much regret!

I hope I can live at peace with myself in five years from this day in June 2012.

God help me find my peace of mind… for I’m afraid I can’t find it on my own.

~ Leanne ’12

 

This post is submitted as a part of the 20SB 5th Birthday Blog Carnival, sponsored by GlassesUSA.com.Submit your own post here.